It's a first for me

Whoa, I can't believe I am finally doing this. I have been contemplating starting a blog for...well, a long time. Is that what everyone says who starts a blog? Call me cliché I guess.

I've never considered myself a writer, as I'm sure you will soon realize. Wordsmithing abilities? Non-existent. In fact, I'm often teased for frequently and consistently mispronouncing words. Yes, I've lived 27 years pronouncing "trampoline" as "tramp-o-LING," a fun quirk that my husband never let's me live down. To be honest, the teasing used to hurt me when I was younger. I was incredibly self conscious and felt so small when the people closest to me would ridicule my speech. It felt like my spoken words were being scrutinized when all I was doing was speaking in a way that I had my whole life. On one hand, I am grateful for corrections like "Pacific" as in the "Pacific Ocean" which is NOT, "Spa-cific Ocean." Yikes. I won't be sharing at what age this correction happened. But, like high school age... On the other hand, the "corrections" always felt like they were punches to my gut and ego. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment when this happened. As you might imagine, I very rarely took the jokes or critique in stride. I fought back with moody, passive aggressive retaliations. In effort to protect my tiny, fragile ego I was probably worse than the original attacks on my speech.

So you might be thinking something like, "Oh, in order to protect her 'tiny, fragile ego,' she must have developed a witty comeback style, right? Wrong. Witty is the last word I would use to describe myself. Blindly stubborn? Sure. But witty? Absolutely not. In situations of tension, high stress or anxiety by mind often goes completely blank. Do you know how infuriating it is to be frozen in a confrontation because I can't remember my own name let alone an intelligible response that will elegantly prove my point and simultaneously put them in their place? Ah, to dream...

All this to say, I don't speak well. But, I find I can better articulate my thoughts and ideas in written form. I have time to put all my words down unedited and unscripted. I can then refine, rearrange, and rework my words until they form something mildly intelligent. I guess this isn't that shocking of a concept, that's literally the definition of how writing works. But, it was to me. There is a way that I can express myself without sounding like a total dumb dumb? Incredible. Why wasn't I doing this sooner?

So, this is a first for me. I'm going to see how writing my thoughts goes. I don't think I have a goal with this. I'm not trying to influence anyone or share some deep, profound revelations about life. I do hope that my ability to express myself in written language will be become more refined and in this way I might be able to better connect with those around me.

I still struggle with a lot of insecurities and a lot of self doubt. The little me in my head feeds me negative thoughts and lies that I am constantly trying to sort through. I think I have a lot of funny quirks that I developed to try to counter this ever present, little voice of mine. On the bright side, most of my quirks could be considered endearing, or at least I think so. This isn't easy for me to do or publish. I think I'm going to be out of my comfort zone more often than not and little me is going to have a lot to say. I guess I'm just going to have to tell that little me to sit down and shut up for every once in a while.

Well, that's probably enough for today. Until next time!